Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
