my phone needs a breathalizer
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize