I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
we're so committed to being not committed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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