you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He better not be in your backpack
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
