Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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