It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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