Cold hands, warm shart.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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