i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
