I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
