the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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