I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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