It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
