Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
