Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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