I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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