the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
