you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize