On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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