My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
