Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
