Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
