Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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