We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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