I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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