If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize