He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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