I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
