how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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