I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
