great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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