I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
A+ Viking dick
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize