Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
