my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
