I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
