you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
