WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize