If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
