When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
