I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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