I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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