Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
