Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize