I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
