she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
