ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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