just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize