Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
