I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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