I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
