my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
