I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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