She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
