defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
