Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
