I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I have tasted many bathrooms
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
