We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
