i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
