I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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