wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
