I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
