He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
