I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize