real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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