Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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