Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My feet surprised me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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