and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
