My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
