On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
