I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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