I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
