Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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