i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you inspire me to be a worse person
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
