my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
