i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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