Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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