Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
