Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
