Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
