You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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