life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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