Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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